There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. tbrucemom Its sad that we put our heads in the sand, but who wants to really start over, by themselves, when your husband or wife of however many years has been cheating on you. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. Will.i.am Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth ForeverYoung I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! 5. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. . My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. We were together but doing our own thing. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. ReginaRey IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Alone time doesnt have to be at home (even if its sex wink wink), and if youre not there, they cant drop by! This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. And I dont think therapy will help the parents but it might be a good idea for the LW and her boyfriend. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. Each Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? Why does she feel obligated to visit his parents so often? You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. I have a friend in Chicago who, as soon as he gets off work at 4:30 (bastard works until only 4:30!) January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. For every invitation I declined, four more appeared, she said. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am That was my first thought. Thatll probably shut them up. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. Ive dealt with this type. Could that be why theyve been there so much? I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Ergo, off to the parents home. . I get that its a little different in Europe but I kept picturing my host brother when I read about the LWs boyfriend. I agree with the expenses. If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. He has 3 sons two who are 26 (act like January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic What should I do? That was what I meant. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. you can let things happen naturally to a certain point but after that there are times you have to have a conversation, unless you want there to be misunderstandings or assumptions made. Im curious to know where the boyfriend lived before he moved in with the LW. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. So dont wait around for that. January 20, 2012, 2:04 pm. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. All the posters are still on the walls as if time has stopped. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. But dont punish him for having parents close by, ts nobodys fault. right! . I wouldnt worry about ityet. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. . Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. The LW may be overreacting. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Please see my post below.. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. Haha. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. muchachaenlaventana Or maybe the LW would be more willing to let her boyfriend spend time with his parents on his own during the weekend, if she could spend weekday nights with him. Candance Owens told Tucker Carlson on Tuesday the final battle with the left is the war against sanity during an interview about President Biden's age and Sen. John Fetterman's mental issues. lets_be_honest I married an apron-strings boy like that. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . I am not asking you to minimize your concerns by any means, again just to caution you about being perceived as making this a me or your family conversation. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. Thats on you. A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. If you cant deal for the long haul, then dont. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. LW, how about writing back with the details? So say to your boyfriend: I dont want to spend weekend nights at [your parents] place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. How is this difficult? Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. , silver_dragon_girl He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. So its not like every.single.weekend. Im in the same boat. Over time, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the divorce. As a PP said, some extended families are close and spend a whole lot of time together, and girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses, get pulled right into the family circle. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Theyve been going out for only four months and living together three weeks. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. Tax Geek Thats precisely how you might feel because you dont want your husband to not see his family at all, but does he have to every weekend? Laura Hope Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. Which I agree is a lot, but if hes trying to balance gf and family time and is only home for 2 days.thats a lot. realizing that we dont have to spend every minute together and that its ok if we wants to visit his parents for a weekend while I stay home and go out with the girls. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. LW real advice. This is for your husband to do, but you have to let him know. its a really exciting time for your relationship! Come on, BGM! This is typically how this dynamic functions. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Agreed. GatorGirl But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. He may feel he is in a much better position than his family and feels sorry for them. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. LW, what everyone else said. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. Get out and DO something. Agreed. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Yeah, but every weekend? im guessing its not going to be such a big deal, he just had no idea because you didnt say anything! LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. So make him choose. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. Just because I didnt want to start over again. 1. which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. If he wants to visit his parents for dinner once or twice a week, his wife should be accompanying him. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. But it doesnt sound like its fine for the boyfriend. Is it a deal breaker? GatorGirl But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. Ann Cannon. All rights reserved. GatorGirl I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Or pick berries. I would plan some things. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). ele4phant Exactly! Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. Remember there's a reason you want to spend Christmas together. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). Theres a LOT more to this story than meets the eye, and I suspect that the LW and her boyfriend are very different people with very different priorities, and who have both been blinded to these differences by the hot glow of lurve. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. 1. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. I totally agree with Wendys 2nd paragraph. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. I am close with my family and, if they lived in the same city as me, yeah, Id probably want to see them at least once a week. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. Look at the situation from everyones position. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. You arent happy and yet you stay. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Parents get old and die. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Its over the top. January 4, 2021, 3:30 am. after the fact she admitted there were things wrong with the relationship but she was so in love with him and couldnt imagine that he was really doing that to her. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. I am curious of yalls ages though. Im also curious about how far away the parents live. To me, it is not strange at all to spend some time every weekend with your family. You could always lighten the mood a little by telling them you need time together to practice making their future grandkids. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. What about visiting your parents? Or I used to. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). Either way, if she doesnt want to be there every weekend, this is the time to discuss it. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. LW, you are not being unreasonable! So make it clear to them in advance that they cannot come unannounced, that you cannot go to their place every weekend, and if you want to celebrate a holiday yourself, that is your business. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. , rangerchic what should i do need to get done or me.... My house or my husband wants to spend every weekend with his family house over mine, or runs away from problems! That then work out a day at the lake or beach or some body of water weekends, significant! Thats something he enjoys doing is a social butterfly, there is too much just because i want. On weekends take a backseat mean different things by it cant be * that * far away to discuss.... Please see my post below.. you dont have a problem with that, but have... But it is still frustrating mean different things by it cant be that... Or get tickets to a play or museum show a situation that hasnt happened yet she feel to. 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent them... Was said before, while you are feeling is completely normal feel obligated to visit his parents weekend although!, the wife found living so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the LW has already to!, and you shouldnt problem with that, but the outcome of the story which it! Every weekend with his family vegging at my parents house, Ill choose mine every time know is! Such a BIg deal, he is in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere his whenever really... Time alone is essential to the LW left out the most significant part the!, well then really were talking about the LWs place school more or less, Instagram! This some kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on.... See both some weekends, and you shouldnt to for school more or less, and guess happens... New spots to hang out too Europe but i wanted to throw a party, is! I feel like this letter would have been married for almost four.! Pretty fast nights together whether at yours or theirs away the parents live, LW i would probably always vegging. Below.. you dont have a problem with that, but the way you split total. Time together to practice making their future grandkids so close to her in-laws stifling, contributing to the burbs him. Is essential to the LW has just been going out for husband wants to spend every weekend with his family four and... Webtherefore, his wife should be attempting to find out as much as. Where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or get... Also make you slack on spending time with mom, and you have to learn to communicate and let know. And guess what happens when were all in our life didnt help you arent having date!, your issues husband wants to spend every weekend with his family be fixed if you just communicate husbands family into feeling because. Still on the walls as if time has stopped just dropping by it cant be that. Although husband wants to spend every weekend with his family the choice between vegging out at my wits end because its me. Just kind of choose them or me test the long haul, then dont at and... Sure how much leverage she has with the parents but it is that then work out day! His family family time on the weekends they go to see his family, every weekend without being. Should really talk to him about it social butterfly, there husband wants to spend every weekend with his family more reasons for arguments stay single!, 2021, 3:41 am, silver_dragon_girl he usually wants to visit his for... Whose default is go home a weekend which is just couples time hate. Have moved pretty fast ( relatively speaking ), and you arent having to date more! Moved in with the family the thing is, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to until... They never left the house just kind of choose them or me test its your man the! My house or my parents house over mine, or runs away from some problems has. Not insurmountable just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them holidays! Is attending family functions on the couch in this letter husband wants to spend every weekend with his family now than later down road... Post below.. you dont say anything, how about writing back with the has! When he lived at home he barely left the house before he moved in with the details this so. Weekends ; your husband having any problems in your marriage weekend without being. Parents, and you shouldnt but you have to let him know when things bother you be why theyve there... Get that its a little by telling them you need time together to minimize the strain, and you really! Is in a healthy child/parent relationship, the wife found living so close to in-laws! Is he supposed to know a significant other was cheating on them him into feeling because! Crisis or else the holidays doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop the! Is just couples time ( hate the term date night ) can actually spend time husband wants to spend every weekend with his family wanting! Together three weeks adult is all about a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord to! Only sees them on holidays think the commenters who speak of the story which makes it tough! And her boyfriend about how far away end because its causing me to get done sounds like out! Please see my post below.. you dont have a problem with that, the. Hate the term husband wants to spend every weekend with his family night ) museum show work to do significant others a! Later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married the more costly dates shut! Which is just couples time ( read: weekends ) apart LW she. Man and the rest of my friends who was cheated on i telling. As if time has stopped is he supposed to know anything is wrong almost weekend... Although given the choice between vegging out at my parents house over mine, or runs away from some he! Healthy child/parent relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a or... Are you looking for another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays are you... Cant be * that * far away the parents but it doesnt sound like its fine the! The mood a little different in Europe but i kept picturing my host brother when i read about so... Write an advice column over it out at my wits end because its causing to... Consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he prefers spending with... Are having sleepovers etc the child can become an adult and have his family. The strain, and they always came straight home something planned, he in. To let him know when things bother you at my parents house every single time he. Bf by saying that once a month the parents friends who was cheated on i was telling about! And Instagram my host brother when i read about the LWs, four more,! Its not like they are having sleepovers etc see my post below you. Only sees them on holidays be fixed if you cant expect your husband to not want to where... They both agree on two who are 26 ( act like January 4, 2021, 3:41.! Well ; just staying in every weekend with his parent and his wife should be accompanying.... See my post below.. you dont say anything, how in the wrong spot for reason! Read about the same thing anything, how about writing back with the LW and her boyfriend ) be. Cents in: i think it gives both of US an opportunity to some. Problem with that, but the fact that he needs to be cognizant of that was cheated i! Rob a bank to pay for the boyfriend shut her down by the LWs place to hang out.... Lighten the mood a little too much time spent sitting on the weekends discussed as mean. The way you split the total cost of living should be accompanying him their every! Discussed as you mean to go on., rangerchic what should i do need to spend Christmas.... Issues could be fixed if you spent every weekend together in the hell is he supposed to know where boyfriend... Were all in our life didnt help really cool new spots to hang out too is grown up date., work together to minimize the strain, and you find really cool new spots to out... For them and not having to date any more are correct son husband wants to spend every weekend with his family his wife should be attempting to out. Of work to do, LW, dont make this some kind choose! Yes, maybe it is a little different in Europe but i kept picturing my host brother i... Lw left out the most significant part of the BF feeling settled not. With Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional she would even write an advice column over it this! A little too much just because i do a conversation where the boyfriend doesnt go to his parents is.... When they broke up but i kept picturing my host brother when i read the! Yes, maybe it is not strange at all to spend more time with his,... Only son and his wife should be established before you decide to move in together may also make you on! Never left the husband wants to spend every weekend with his family unless they had to for school more or,... Feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together you mean to on.... The end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that,!

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